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January 2009



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Jan. 30th, 2009


This is the beginning

of a new era. I am jumping off.

Apr. 2nd, 2008


finally getting a dog!!!!

A rescued Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

Mar. 25th, 2008



Myself with reminders that celebrities fly all the time and don't crash- and that another day has passed with my brethren intact. Feeling like life is waiting for someone else to catch up, or to get home. Filled with dissapointment and urges to toss it all in the trash and move on. Motionless, feeling my heartbeat, feeling guilt thick like peanut butter, clogging my thoughts.
This is a disaster waiting to happen.this is how it has always been.

Mar. 17th, 2008


School in the Ghettooooo

No one injured when shot fired at Cascade Campus

Shortly after 4 p.m. Monday, March 17, a single gunshot was fired on the Cascade Campus, originating from the area between Terrell Hall and the Student Center. The suspected shooter, a young man, was seen fleeing north along Borthwick Mall, across the north parking lot and off the campus.
The Active Shooter alarm was sounded and the campus went into lockdown for approximately 15 minutes. The lockdown was terminated on the advice of Portland Police at 4:28 p.m.
No one was injured. PCC Public Safety officers recovered one bullet casing on the scene. Police recovered a weapon, which may have been the one fired on the campus.

Mar. 6th, 2008


Fucking people as a reason to live

Isn't really a reason, it turns out. What if any of my other pursuits are incorrect as well?.

"If your try fails, what does that matter? All life is a failure in the end. The thing to do is get sport out of trying."

Trying to remember this. Maybe it should be a tattoo.
There was another I liked about life being a brief crack ofight between eternities of darkness, too.

Feb. 25th, 2008



started on YouTube to watch "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" and the counter attack of "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" ( both hilarious.. I am alone tonight and I got that laugh out loud followed by embarrassment and loneliness for laughing out loud alone... Anywho..) then I started watching interviews of Heath Ledger ( oh wait, first Daniel Day-Lewis...sexy!!) Heath was so handsome and fidgety and cute! Damn death!! All his interviews, he cannot hold still!! Wrapping his arms around himself, or slumping more into the chair, or sitting up further, wriggling around. Goodness. And his normal voice and accent! Le Sigh. Poor kid.

I drank WAY too much coffee at the Roxy. UP!

Feb. 24th, 2008


Oh and I forgot

Ramones are playing. Love the P-Town sometimes. I forget a lot why I loved it in the first place.

Feb. 21st, 2008


(no subject)

I think this is my first post from my BB Curve...? I got it three new colors of clothes! Its wearing orange now. *crazy can be fun. I went on a spree yesterday, bought hair color, a shirt, an odd clutch, and am ready for the gym. I was going to get a tattoo yesterday, but was foiled by the walk in place I know of not taking cards. I just finished "The Thing About Life is that One Day You'll be Dead." And I was inspired to get a quote on my arm, but there were too many to choose from, I was going to opt for a simple 'LIVE' on my wrist, but again, foiled for now. Off to take a test on sex.

Feb. 1st, 2008


What is wrong with me?!

I took two classes this term, and my old habits of waiting to do anything school related until the last minute is still here!! Why can't I just do things in a timely manner? Now I have a pile of chapters I have to read for one class, and I research paper to start deciding on, all by Monday. JOY.

I will finish school if it kills me.

Jan. 27th, 2008



Trapped in S. Oregon. Missing work tomorrow. FUCK. I miss my cats and my bf.

Jan. 25th, 2008



I love the Get Up Kids. LOVE. They are one of the two bands I am SO SAD I didn't get to see live before they stopped touring. The other is Boy Sets Fire.
So I am sitting here in my fav coffee shop, and I hear the wonderful Emo whine of the Get Up Kids singer, and think to myself, "Hark! What's this!? I have every album completely memorized. How could this BE!?!?!"
So I go up front and ask the barista, and lo and behold, the singer is VERY prolific on his own, as "The New Amsterdam (s?)" I guess they have done three albums this year, and THEN, the singer also did an album of childrens music for his kids!! WTF!! Perhaps I can at least see him live?!

Jan. 6th, 2008


So much to do

Oi- Stressing out. I cannot wait to get my f-ing BB Curve from work, when I am finally no longer a seasonal employee. I have bills and various different types of to-do lists floating around my head, I don't know why I ever got rid of my Sidekick. PDA's that aren't phones don't get used, calendars that aren't on mh person don't get used, and my house is a mess, my brain is a mess.

To do!!
Renew yearly street parking pass
pay cell bill
pay car, insurance
pay that damn parking ticket I got several months ago
pay Providence
Pay credit card
pay utilities, whicn are surely behind since they are tiny and I let them slide sometimes.
buy cheaper book for school on Amazon (5$) and return same used book to PCC (76$).
Get in school defferment form, and contact Sallie Mae so they don't throw me in collections.
Get financial aid paperwork faxed over to PCC.
Clean off desk so I have somewhere to study without being distracted by the bf.

There is more, I know it.....

Jan. 4th, 2008



So, The Bell Jar has been a favorite of mine for many years, and I have always wondered what the hell happened when she was given insulin shots and then was told she had an episode.. Wha??
That is, until today- Dear Slate.com, I love thee.
Seems that before ECT they determined that seizures caused by insulin helped severely depressed or schizophrenic patients, which then moved on to finding ECT *shock therapy* helped as well.
WELL. 10+ years of being confused has come to an end. Why couldn't I find this when I googled for the answer?


My sweet orange kitty following me around the house, purring as loudly as he possibly can, is the most heart wrenching thing ever. He does this when I get home every day, or when I wake up on weekdays and wander around the house
And oh my god! It's sunny!!

Dec. 30th, 2007



I can't wait to get my BlackBerry.
In other news:
I feel disgusting, the house is disgusting, a roach just crawled on my laptop.
I can't move.
I have jury duty and school soon.

Dec. 16th, 2007


I missed

Michaels B-day for the first time in a decade. A DECADE. 15-25. Jesus.

I am at the coast- Something about the coast makes me contemplate goat farming, living simply off the land.
Although lately I am a money hungry freak, I guess that is what happens when your income gets cut in half, and the government takes your kicker check and gives it to charity. Ok- I said they could, because last year it was only a tenth of what it was this year. Motherfuck.

Breakfast is cooking, and I haven't felt guilty about eating grease by the spoonful all weekend.

Dec. 6th, 2007



Saw Tool last night, quite the light show that they have going on now. The music sounded... off. Maynard was really quiet and I couldn't hear his singing the majority of the time. Sigh. He wore a cowboy hat and jeans. Danny wore a basketball outfit, I think. Shorts and a tank top with a big logo. I was too far to see.
Missyla couldn't make it up. Sigh.;-(
I was showering this morning, looking at the shower hooks I bought when I first thought I needed them, and they are the type that don't close, and i think, perhaps, maybe, I was drawn to them because they look like hard penises. Wow.

I got into a funk last night and I can't shake it.

Going to get a free sample from Aveda, they mailed me something.
Going to the library
Ordering transcripts from RCC so I know what still counts.

Nov. 25th, 2007


Nothing much

Holidays again, and again no money. WHY, for the past few years, am I ok with money until November?? Why??
I guess changing jobs was my decision.

I am at my favorite coffee shop, and they started playing Fiona Apple.

Nov. 20th, 2007



Need to find my way out of this web I am building around myself.

Oct. 7th, 2007


F-ing Myspace

I really want this gigantic scarf I saw in Vogue, it was HUGE, as big as the model, I swear. I guess I will need to learn to knit.

Jan. 4th, 2007


No news

I was trying to stretch my ears out more, but they are still too small for my xmas plugs I received. Wait, they aren't xmas-themed or anything. No tiny trees. I got them for xmas. Why am I saying 'xmas' so much?
I was trying (for the millionth time) this eyeshadow I purchased quite some time back, it look, in the case, likeburgundy sparkles on a black base, but on, it looks like flat dull charcoal powder all around your eyes. I just smeared it all over, eventually, into a mask. Then I put red and black lipstick on. Then I took pictures. Fuck, I need a life.

Dec. 26th, 2006


Myspace is Evil

And takes up too much of my time. I think I will delete it and come back to this.. it feel more pure.. that might be totally wrong.

Mar. 12th, 2006




Nov. 5th, 2005


(no subject)

I dont have time for this anymore. I need to copy it all and save it on my computer. My computer has no internet. I will have to be patient.

Sep. 17th, 2005


(no subject)

I walked around today, I have to say, I just found solid bubblebath with glitter in it at this fancy ass soap store in my 'hood (*teehee) and they also have solid bath oil blocks, they are like lipstick with glitter, and they melt in the tub. I need one! I wonder if my friend Misa takes baths, I think she would love them.
I walked around on Hawthorne today as well, thinking about the meaning of life. I wonder if I could find it in a jungle, because I am getting pretty discouraged about finding it anywhere populated. A, I dont feel like I belong to any certain group. I had this issue in High School, and I have it now. I am not an art kid, I am not a hipster, I am not goth, I am not into raves, I am not... anything. I told Lydia the other day I was a "Quasi-Goth Coffeehouse Intellectual" but I was just joking around. I was ranting to her about how I hated the hip crowd that wears the same things and has the same shaggy hair and flat shoes and big sunglasses and acts like they know everything and thinks anything they think about is so NEW and GREAT. Anything they think is deep is simply laughable, and I am bored of it after one silly art show. So cynical, I know! I'm sorry. And then I started thinking the world needed some negativity, otherwise anything good really would be left behind, we need BAD to make the good stand out. If we are all positive all the time, and SUPPORTIVE of everything, then, well, the people who work really hard to make things good are just wasting their time, as they will be lost in the chasm of mediocrity.

So after this little evening of inner dialogue to myself about the benefits of good and evil ( * and just now realizing that Sean's philosophy class talk about how there always has to be a deciever if there is an omnipotent entity is a valid point) I was going to go get + / - tattooed inside my lower lip, but then Lydia said, 'Like a battery!" and I said, "No!! Its nothing like a battery! It's about life!!" and she said, "Well, in a way, so are batteries.." or something, which is kinda true, energy created by negatives and positives.....

I think Lisa Carver is going to bring me bowling shoes, if she has room in her suitcase! That would be a story for the grandchildren I am never going to have. No one I know knows who she is, so I cannot share my excitement about it. Wait! I had Dennis read her book, and he says to me 'I can think of how the pages of that book looked and remember everything she said! And it's all true!!!" about Dancing Queen. I can tell him.

I had more life epiphanies this week, but I cannot recall them, as always. I wish I could. I considered carrying a tape recorder, but trying to talk to one would be depressing and a little kooky, and I would get too distracted by talking to really think anything out.

**Sean is supposed to be here in less than a week, I want to see him, I dont think he wants to see me, but I am not sure, and I know I am going to be a little crazy during this period, knowing I know someone in this huge place and not doing anything with them.. but then school will start and I will distract myself with classes and flirting.. and Hannah wanted to go to some gay club tonight, I hope she really will..... I should be at home sewing a purse I bought fabric for, and cleaning up, and going to Home Depot to buy more stuff to make practice poi chains.. I really want to get good. I need to be good at something, I have no patience and I need to learn to focus**

Aug. 21st, 2005



So, on my lovely Birthday ( I am begining to have a phobia of birthdays AND Sundays now, awesome) I was talking to Sean, everything was cool, I had said that my ex had text messaged me and he said, "Tell him to leave you alone or your new BF is going to kick his ass." (because being jealous and surly is a big joke between us). I said something along the lines of. 'Ahh, nooo.' and somehow we got on the 'Well, what did you tell him about me?" subject.. I kept it vague, because I didn't like the tone, changed the subject, everything fine like normal.. afterwards I text messaged "Am I ALLOWED to refer to you as my boyfriend? Because I am confused.." ( There is more background to this, mostly a prior "What are we doing ?" conversation that led to "Lets see how it goes once I move". ) He text messaged back he wasn't sure, I asked if he was seeing anyone else.. he said "No, but I am not ready to give up the ability to do so yet." which I could KIND of see, but it has been four months, and why does he keep referring to himself as my boyfriend if that is the case?? So more of this line of text conversation, him saying he doesnt want to be tied down, I said I don't want to tie anyone down, he said he knows that.. So that stopped and then like an hour later he calls, I am kinda upset, and not really sure what I want to say about it, oh, I had texted "well, I dont know what to do and he had said, "Do nothing." because he has this whole thing about saying and doing nothing, which sounded all cool and peaceful before now. Anyway, back on track, he called, I was quiet, he got irritated, he said he was going to go, I said 'Yeah, me too, later." and then I gathered my thoughts and tried calling back a few minutes later, no answer, he text messaged "Im going to bed." and that was the last I have heard from him! What reason does he have to be mad!? NONE! I wasn't asking him to MARRY me, I was asking him to keep his cock in his pants around other women, or at least assure me that was what he was doing. Nothing. So my good buddy was telling me NOT to call. play the game, I HATE games, I refuse to play, but I saw her point in this one, til today, i caved, I called and left a message, my ex would have been surprised, as he got angry messages, this was just a "Well, I dont know what happened, but I am also not the type to play this not talking game, so it was nice while it lasted, goodbye." But then it was a Sunday, and I was so lonely in this huge town that all I want to do is scream and scream until a vein in my throat bursts and I choke to death on my own blood, that I called again and asked him to call me. Path-et-ic! Fuck. I hate not knowing what the hell happened! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I cannot wait til school starts, I really need to meet some people and get out of the house, well, wait, I get out of the house now all the time, but, you know. SUNDAYS are HELL. So quiet, I get all anxious. Its awful.

I talked to Josh on the phone today, weird, he and I were text messaging, but I guess he ran out, I was telling him of my confused situation, and then he said to ask my mom if he and sarai could come by before she moves to WA to see her and Katie and Tim. I had to go because my mom was there, and after I got home there was a message saying "it was nice talking to you" (or something along those lines). And it was. Weird.

Aug. 6th, 2005


New stuff...

I am so perplexed by the Escort service and 'Full body rub' ads in the Mercury. They are hookers, right? So why can they advertise? Isn't that illegal? Aren't they afraid of jail? And what do all the terms mean? GFE, Incall/Outcall... Some with AC! I want to call and ask, but I am afraid it will magically charge me.
My brother played the Ash St Saloon on Wednesday, I slept before Konnichiwa started, now I feel bad, I guess it was there last show. I went with a new Portland friend to vegetarian chinese food, I was expecting like, regular chinese food items that normally might have chicken thrown in, but left out instead. OH NO, They use veggie chicken, beef, etc. So we had Orange Chicken and I was AMAZED. What a good idea. I must take my little vegetarian brother there. He could ride up and take Greyhound home... I don't know what he would do while I was at work.

My new job. I thought the guy was goiing to be a dick, said things like, 'I don't tolerate mistakes" etc etc.. kept referring to his time inthe army.. but then my first day he was totally cool, let us go home early with pay, we played Trivial Pursuit the last 30 mins, he got Pizza for lunch and instead of taking a piece and running like most offices, everyone sat at a table together and had lunch. Weirdos!!!! My new boss kept saying, "Do you know how to work X.L.?" and I was saying,"Wha???" and she said, "Under Microsoft Office.. X. L. " and I said, "Oooooooh, excel. " Excel and X L are two completely different pronunciations here.
I love Portland, I love that my job is so close to my house, I have to walk, Parking is expensive, I love that I am so close to everything, I hate that I have no one around to DO things with. If I could steal one good friend tocome up with me, that would be ideal. I don't trust that Sean is moving for some reason, after this week. Maybe I can beguile him again while I am in town today getting stuff.

Aug. 2nd, 2005


(no subject)

So much to say! So little time!!!!!!!
The night before I left, Sean and I had a bit of a disagreement, I ended up telling him I loved him ( we were pretty drunk) umm, the next day he was upset at my goodbye, but then not, and then said if our relationship is going to work, he needs to think about me more, and saw why I was mad. Yesterday on the phone he referred to me as his girlfriend! Finally. Tsk. He told his ex he had moved on, as she was complaining about not talking, and she said, 'Do you have a gf?" and he said yes, and she said, 'Well, what is she going to do with you going to Portland?" and he said, "Shes already up there." Hey, thats me! Even Sanyell said he is a keeper, and she is a picky lady.
Portland is awesome. I lve my neighborhood. Its not dirty. Its great! I got a job today, I had to pee in a cup, the man who took my "donation" was named Javier. He was stern, yet kind.
Um um. OH my apartment is bright and light and wonderful! I love it too. I can't wait for Sean to get here though, I miss him. I am starving, and this is .20 per min, so I am going to go.
Oh oh, good story. I went to find my interview place early yesterday, and I ran over a curb so hard I fell into my horn and honked it right out front!!!! All glass front of course!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRGHH!

Jul. 30th, 2005


(no subject)

Going to dinner at Red Robin with Misa. Sean and I had our first disagreement, and we bothacted mature and respectful towards eachother. Joy!

Coffee shakes

I had a wicked headache.. Sanyell and I found shoes to go with my suit..pointy toed shoes! I feel old in them. My mom said she doesnt like pointy shoes and pants, but too bad, because they dont really sell round toed shoes right now. I trust Sanyells sense of style more anyway. Then we got Starbucks and I looked at her new house and showed her my moms house that she has been working on for years. I think it helped a bit.
Yesterday after buying a suit I went to Seans,he was a smidge drunk, and in a towel. He hugged me like a billion times, and was kissing me, and saying he was going to miss me and he cared about me (? my memory is kinda shot) and I was the "raddest girl he has met in a long time..not just this past year.. but like 6." and no saying the M word. I said, "aren't you moving ?" and he said, "Yeah, but not for like a month and a half!" He said we would have the most GLORIOUS day today, since it is my last day, and we should go hang out with our families tonight, so we would have the day together today, and now is busy with his family right now. Sigh. But we are going to my brother's show tonight, he is bringing his cousin, and I am supposed to meet them soon at his brothers house. I just wanted to stay in bed all day with him!!!!!
Dennis called me last night, said we would be friends forever, its not goodbye, and that I touched his soul. Aww.

Jul. 29th, 2005


Good luck

Wow.. so all week I have been stressed stressed and then yesterday was my last day at work, my tattoo twin e mailed me and suggested vegetarian food after I get up there ( Awesome!) and then I went out last night and said bye to people, and Michael said I would do great on my interviews because I am adorable.. and then today I found a suit! first one I tried on! all week the suit hunt has been terrible. And I am supposed to meet Sean and cash our paychecks and have a "Glorious time" and later see my grandma, etc, and then tomorrow to go Sushi and shoe shopping with Sanyell. wow. This moving thing was seeming gloomy, now I feel better.

Jul. 26th, 2005


From Sunday night

Sundays. I think I am developing a phobia of them. Everything seems
worse on a sunday lately. Sean wa probably tired,but he is so back and
forth with me. I think I am losing it. He called as soon as he got back
in town,but friday being close seemed ok,today it didn't. He refers to
some girls as half assed girlfriends. I want to be whole assed! And him
moving.. God..moving why really? Me? At all? I don't know. I just

We played baseball too. I had fun. Sean said I was cold. And chastized
me for not laughing at the movie anchorman. I feel more like hiding than
laughing at that type of humor. And I am not cold. I should have told
him all my heat gets used feeding the fire in my heart over him. Cheese.
I think too much. I want to know where I stand.

Jul. 24th, 2005


Sidekick, finally! ;-)

I got a Sidekick from T mobile with a Portland number. Man o' Man do I love that thing, its only been a day! Sure, it isn't my company, US Cellular, that practically raised me, but US Cellular is not in Portland, I and I will be in a week, so oh well. It has an e mail account, AIM acct, and of course, regular text and voice calls. I text messaged Sean that I should marry it I love it so much, and he said I should "Crazy girl" (aw) and I said it already was promised to a toaster oven in Delaware. Sigh.
I sent my resume` to several places today. Someone! Snatch me up! I am dilligent, professional, polite, intelligent, and I do a great job quickly !

Jul. 22nd, 2005


(no subject)

I haev things to remember to write about
wood paneling,
80's spandexish mini skirt
bobbing head
cougars, bobcats
talk of cocktail onions
stalls in bathroom
dark, smoke... shuffle board

Jul. 17th, 2005


(no subject)

I got most of my stuff packed last night, awesome! Two weeks. 10 working days, but I have one of those days off, and two of them I am helping new hires, and three I am in training( Unless they decide training me is useless). Also, awesome.
It is god damned hot out. It is making me cranky. I hate sundays!!! Hate them!!

Jul. 9th, 2005


(no subject)

I waskinda freaking out about moving last week, but I gave myself a bit of a speech in the shower, I had resolved to write all my points I had made to myself down after I got out, but I ended up doing something else instead. Something along the lines of 'If you don't build your life the way you want it, you will end up doing the same bull every day, instead of what you want. Dreams don't fall into your lap, what falls into your lap is all the leftover crap life gives us that no one wants. ' I mean, work is part of it. Looking for a job is scaring me to death, but oh well. I will get through this, and that, and the other, and I will make my time up inPortland work for me.

Jul. 8th, 2005



Looking for Jobs is hard! Verizon totally shot me down after I said I don't have any face to face retail sales experience. HElloooooo, I have been working with plans and cell phones for almost 5 years, I know what I am doing!!
I got my apartment lined up, now someone has to hire me! Good thing I have money in the bank.

Jul. 3rd, 2005


As always

I am feeling morose after learning someone else graduated SOMETHING. Why can I not finish anything?
I cannot make up my mind to do anything very long, so i never complete goals.
Looks like I got an apartment.
Maybe in Portland I won't be distracted by other things and get some serious school work done.
Sean the other day asked, ( with the lights off on purpose specifically for asking this) 'What if I went to school in Portland?"
He hates Portland. I couldn't say yes to that, even if I really really wanted it.
We went swimming today, it was nice, and then he was falling asleep and went home. he had a long weekend.
So did I.
I have to finish this online test for T mobile tosee if they would hire me.. I should do that now. I should go pee, get water, and do it. I have been putting it off because it says to put aside an hour and a half! Ha, no wonder I haven't finished school, if an hour and a half is staggering to me. Perhaps I have ADHD. Sean and I were kinda snoozing onthe couch, and I could not stop moving! Fidget, kiss, stretch, squeeze, caress, nuzzle. It is probably horribly annoying when you are as tired as he was.
I think eh was testing me earlier, he mentioned that his roomate got the lightbulb for my headlight, and said caleb said, 'I got the headlight for your girllllllllfriend." and he kinda left room for a reaction here, but I am used to people ( specifically my brother) referring to him as my boyfriend, so i left it blank to see how he reacted to that. I couldn't tell.

This new apartment, I hope there is nothing wrong with my application, it is all white and tiny and pefect!
I need a job. I need to finish that tmobiel things!!!

Jun. 25th, 2005



keeps getting closer and closer. I have to put my apt. 30 day notice in on Monday.That thought brings up so many feelings in my stomach.

The guy I have been seeing, last night he said, "What happens when you leave?" and I said, "You mean with us?" (For the record, we have never even had a "are we a WE?" type conversation.. so I was a bit stymied. He said he had been thinking about it a lot lately, and how he was pretty depressed before, and he doesn't want to go back to that... but didn't give any clue on which direction he was leaning towards here. I said, "You don't want to just end things now so you don't have to deal with it later, do you!?" and he said no... but I wonder if he was wanting to continue with what we have long distance (?eek?)or just saying 'Hey, don't call me after you go, it will be a hell of a lot easier." Or ??? I don't know. I will have to try to get back into that conversation later, I suppose. Confusion til then. I spent the night at his house last night and stayed there til now, just bumming around. He is older than me and I always want Lovin' but he is always tired and it makes me crazy! When I do get it, it is the best I have like, EVER had!!!!
We are total opposites and I didn't think I would like him as much as I do.

My little brother just said he liked my typing . He notices that I am staring at him while thinking about what I am typing and it is amazing. hgeh. It is my super power!!

Jun. 12th, 2005


(no subject)

Someone yesterday told me, as I was getting my coffee fix,that if they didn't get the energy they needed from healthy food and excersize, then they didn't want it. I tried that today, I got home at like 9:30... slept again til noon. Probably will sleep again later if I don't get something. I am going to lay in the sun now. Great.That person is NUTS.

I hav to move soon, I have to finish stuff!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jun. 5th, 2005


(no subject)

I STILL HAVENT STARTED MY PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went to Bend. Uhhh. Sean came over tonight,locked his keys while it was still on, heh, I had to use my roadside assistance.

Jun. 1st, 2005


Of course.

I loved the question saying something about "Your mood can be described by one word: morose." I just described it like that in the last entry. Ha.
table border='0' cellpadding='5' cellspacing='0' width='600'><tr><td></td><td> You scored as The Quasi-Gothic Femme. You mope, you frown and you smoke cloves, but secretly you sometimes wish you could look like Gwen Stefani.


The Quasi-Gothic Femme


The Femme Fatale


The Pretty-Boi Dyke


The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke


The Student Dyke


The Stud


The Little-Boy Dyke


The Sprightly Elfin Femme


The Surprise! Dyke


The Granola Dyke


The Bohemian Dyke


The Hipster Dyke


The Magic Earring Ken Dyke


What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
created with QuizFarm.com</table>

Good day?

I have coffee and the new Alkaline Trio CD.. Will this be a good day? It feels like it.
I need to stop being so morose! Today I was thinking terrible things, like thinking of talking to Josh! And saying, "I love you! Lets try AGAIN! Lets go to counseling! I want your babies!"
What is that all about? I am lying to myself.
I am a terrible liar when it comes to other people, I am pro at doing it to myself. Like saying "But! He was the only boy I loved so much I wanted to get married and have kids!" Not true, I seem to recall Dave asking me to marry him and saying yes. But with Josh I never used birth control, and didn't get sick with fear anytime I was little late with the period. That is crazy. If you know me, you know how nuts that is. We were so volitale! Crap, I need to look that word up, I know I spelled it wrong.
Anyway, life is something I am building every day, I need to make sure I am honest with what I want, and to make sure I don't get sidetracked by my hypothalamus pumping chemicals into my bloodstream that make me think something is better than it is. Or whatever.
I am a sex crazed maniac right now as well. Sean is so difficult! He is a sensitive boy. I said, 'Can't we have sex and hand holding?" and he said, "What happens in August" (My move date!?!?*Hope*). I told him he will be sick of me by then. Heh. We have nothing in common! Just give me some lovin'!
Still have NOTHING for my paper due next week. I wanted to do it on GSM and Nullo's and etc. Try finding reliable resources for THAT. Sheesh.
My upper back has never been so pain free! I love Yoga.
Michael is in TX right now, almost off to Iraq. I told him yesterday that sometime when he doesn't have a girlfriend I want phone sex. We were talking about how a customer at my work said one of us sounded like they were taking care of themselves while assiting this customer.. I was telling Michael 'Maybe they were just trying not to cough?'... He said, "Good one. I am going to use that one next time." I said, 'You never do that onthe phone with me!!' and he said "Do you want me to??" Yes.. sometime. Ha. Over the years I will have just as much experience with him as I do with someone I am involved with officially. It is just going to take a lot longer. Goals. Sigh. ;-)

May. 16th, 2005


BDSM, Rebounds,

I want to do my Sexuality term paper on BDSM or Fetish, and I cannot find any reputable sources!!!!! Our Library SUCKS.
I don't think acting in dominant or submissive sexually is any different from what we do in our day to day lives. Isn't it nice sometimes to play the weak female to let a guy take care of us? And isn't it also nice to play the independant,in control woman to relieve stress? So what if you move that to the bedroom. I don't think as many things should be labeled as "fetish" either.
Does anyone have any suggestions for books I can get?

I like this new guy I have hung out with a few times. LIKE. AHHHH.

May. 5th, 2005


(no subject)

Sex is difficult after the same partner for over two years. ACK! I have this desire to get LAID with no strings, but find myself over there talking and wanting to cuddle. Man!. So out of practice.
I am drinking things with tequila in them.

May. 1st, 2005


(no subject)

ICk! I am mad at myself for being duped, even if it wasn't that bad. I have spent the past three or four days being mad about this, but I need to let it go. LIVE!

I have been tothe strip club twice this week. Wow!
I have nothing else to say, except whining about the ex being a dick, but we all knew that already. "Honey, the past is just a sorry old story you tell to yourself"

Apr. 23rd, 2005


You know

1.Why am I so obsessed with the Sidekick II from T-mobile? I don't know. I think that whole keyboard would get in the way, its too tiny to do my speed typing on, yet too big to work as well I can with T9 on regular cell keypads.

2.How DID I get so skilled at the T9 feature??
It takes me like three seconds to respond with afull 150 character message.

3.Did Paris Hilton really infect my brain that much? Or was it Vogue?

4.If I want to go to design school, why am I reading a magazine of stuff people have thought of already? Shouldn't I isolate myself with some odd materials and see what happens??

5.Can we ever make anything totally original anymore? Anything we conceive of has already been done, because we can conceive of it, and we are all the same, I read once.

6.What do you think of Quantum Physics?

7.I am too much of a hermit. Sometimes I think I am mean, and sometimes I think circumstances lead to it, but really, I cycle through friends quite often. I am trying not to, but it still happens. I feel so much older than people my age.

8.I don't think Portland is a wonderland. When I tell people I am moving, they say things like "Portland isn't that great" or 'I hope it is everything you are looking for." It's a place. It is a place with some options for schooling, and it doesn't get too hot in the summer. I don't think I will move there and magically my life with be perfect and carefree. To the contrary, I think it will be hard, and lonely, and I will be poorer than I am now, and I will wish I were back at home, but I will work through it til I build something new,and then after that I will try somewhere else.

9.Paris Hilton is dissappointing when she talks. In her pictures, she has this Mona Lisa ish partial smile/look that makes me think she has all these big secrets or deep understandings of life. She doesn't. It must be practiced in the mirror.

10.I am cutting out sugar. I had a latte' today, instead of a carmel Macchiato.

11.Splenda gives me a headache.

Apr. 10th, 2005


Ah, I understand things a little more clearly.

The dating world is hard! I had forgotten. It was sad! I was being strung along and didn't even realize it! This guy is ten years older than me, so he has had a little practice, but he is totally playing the game with me. I was getting a little crazy! Now I can tell. This will be fun.

Apr. 8th, 2005


(no subject)

I was getting straight A's in school, but last term I got a B ( math 111--- HARD!;-) and Tai Chi i got a C..I got an A in CPR so it left my GPA at a 3.00 last term. Sigh.
For Tai Chi, I missed some classes, and I am uncoordinated, and I thought the teacher hated me, so she would try and watch me do poses and I would temporarily forget everything til she looked away. Doh.
This term I have Human Sexuality, Yoga ( Its my absolute new favorite) and Art history. All I need after this term for my transfer degree are science, speech, and social science stuff. So close yet so far!
I went to San Diego last week with a work friend, we went to the beach, sea world, nothing hugely exciting, just drank margaritas ( in moderation, of course.;-) and enjoyed the sunsets. I got a new tattoo that the majority of the poplulation will be dissapointed by. Oh well. I am the only thing I will always have, right??

Mar. 19th, 2005


(no subject)

I so love this is how it has been, and will not be like anymore. They tell me they are THE BEST I will ever have, they tell me no one loves me or cares about me, and that I should be nice to them because they are THE only and best thing I will ever have. They tell me that my friends do not give a shit about anything that happens to me, and that they are blessed with a SPECTACULAR circle of friends, 'til death do them part, and that I should be so lucky to have friends like them. And at first,I was told these spectacular friends were "weird" and didn't want new people around, etc, etc etc, and as the problem boiled and simmered, it merged to saying that all these wonderful spectacular sparkling special friends HATE me, and that this person, this one lone person, loves me forever, but oh well, because everyone else is more important and this person doesn't love me more than them. So where does that leave me? Feeling rejected, unloved, unliked by people who don't even know me, uncared for by the person who says they are the only person who does care for me.
I am doing good at rejecting these marshmallowing ideas. I have started hanging out with all my "Loser alcoholic " friends again, those that "Don't care about me" and I feel MUCH BETTER. What?? People are calling me to see what I am doing? and they CARE what I want to do, or what I have to say?? And they want me around?! I had forgotten.
Fuck you.
Fuck your insecurity.

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